God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
the liver wants what the liver wants
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize