The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
