so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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