It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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