guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
