I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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