My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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