Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
