Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
