i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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