You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
