I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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