and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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