I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
