i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
