It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
This house was built for laser tag.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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