but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
