If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
