next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I didn't notice because vodka
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
