What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
