I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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