the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
even my farts smell like vagina
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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