remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Vodka?
Forever.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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