just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
