I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
