I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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