Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
