mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
