you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
