I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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