For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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