Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
