Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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