tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
