I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize