cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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