Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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