i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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