I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
