Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
