I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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