You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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