im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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