wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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