i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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