It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
