I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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