Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize