my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
