note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
