4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
