they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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