I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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