if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
