im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
